Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
You Might Also Like
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.