To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
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I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.