I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
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“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
this is 10/10 content no notes
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”