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@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold