A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed
Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano
(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure
Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep
Look Ma, no handle on things
I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
Girls Just Want To Have Naan
*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*