Them: Good morning
Me: Where?
I slept like a baby, knowing I’m a burden to everyone around me
Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?
So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner
Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?
A big dipper? in this astronomy?
Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction
The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey
I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget
I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress
Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer
“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?
As per my last nervous breakdown
Roombas should bark
Thaw me like one of your french fries