Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of _NinJar's best tweets

@_NinJar : 1st rule of snitch club is d- "MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!" Ok w- "JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!" *police sirens* Who called the cops *everyone runs*

@_NinJar: I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he's blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib

@_NinJar: [museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
"through that door"
Thank you very ruff!
"What'd you say?"
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*

@_NinJar: [Dr.]
"Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you'll die"
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
"Don't do it"
*eats cheese*

@_NinJar: I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket

@_NinJar: Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*

@_NinJar: *cop frisking me*
Cop: "theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?"
Uh, no
Cop: "OW!"
*baby porcupine jumps out*

@_NinJar: A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.

@_NinJar: The hay in baby Jesus's manger came from Christian Bales.

@_NinJar: *wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
"It was a heart attack"
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*