If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
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If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
liiiiiiiiike
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
What the hell happened here.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
You learn something every day
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous