A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
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I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
my name if I was in the mob
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!