Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
You Might Also Like
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Why am I like this?
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.