Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.