Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.