Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
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Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct