Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
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I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.