I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
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If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
This is a bad sign
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.