Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
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The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”