I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
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To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.