I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
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If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Life cycle of cat
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.