Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
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Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”