my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce
“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???
two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”
D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs
“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot