Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
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I’m not proud
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!