Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
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Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
So glad we cleared that up
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not