It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
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I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.