*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.