The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.