Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
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Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil