I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
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One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Give a baker flours on your first date.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
wow he looks just like him
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.