I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
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True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined