Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.