“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away
Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?
[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no
I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next