You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Social distancing in Australia:
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
How I’d get arrested…
