The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
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My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad