JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Saving my good tweets for marriage
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another