Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
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Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
dutch so unserious
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.