My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god