me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal