I prefer undivided attention because I’m not a fan of math.
Telling another person you’re superior to them while you’re both on twitter is like a meth addict telling a heroin addict they should get off drugs.
My husband seems suspicious of how often I leave the house to call my boyfriend. It’s like he doesn’t know communication is the key to a healthy relationship.
I think I’ll start posting my tweets on Facebook so my friends and family will all finally block me.
My headphones died when I got to the gym so obviously I’m eating donuts now instead.
Stop blaming alcohol for your bad decisions. You’re still an idiot when you’re sober.
I was having a perfectly lovely Wednesday until someone told me it’s Monday.
People on twitter are worried about how long it’s been since they’ve had sex and I can’t get over how I haven’t had a cheeseburger in 3 days.
Him: Do you always moan this loud when you do that?
Me popping another Reese’s cup in my mouth: Yes, why?
I’m never more aware of the echo in a public restroom than when my kid yells out, “Hey Mom, are you pooping?”