@_salt_n_lime

Telling another person you’re superior to them while you’re both on twitter is like a meth addict telling a heroin addict they should get off drugs.

@_salt_n_lime

My husband seems suspicious of how often I leave the house to call my boyfriend. It’s like he doesn’t know communication is the key to a healthy relationship.

@_salt_n_lime

I think I’ll start posting my tweets on Facebook so my friends and family will all finally block me.

@_salt_n_lime

My headphones died when I got to the gym so obviously I’m eating donuts now instead.

@_salt_n_lime

Stop blaming alcohol for your bad decisions. You’re still an idiot when you’re sober.

@_salt_n_lime

I was having a perfectly lovely Wednesday until someone told me it’s Monday.

@_salt_n_lime

People on twitter are worried about how long it’s been since they’ve had sex and I can’t get over how I haven’t had a cheeseburger in 3 days.

@_salt_n_lime

Him: Do you always moan this loud when you do that?

Me popping another Reese’s cup in my mouth: Yes, why?

@_salt_n_lime

I’m never more aware of the echo in a public restroom than when my kid yells out, “Hey Mom, are you pooping?”