Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
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INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents