Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
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Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments