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Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.