“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
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Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.