Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
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You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker