For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
You Might Also Like
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo