I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.