A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.