Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
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wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
i was baptized in a car wash
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
mathematically impossible