The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
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hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.