Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Based Erika
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.