Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
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Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.