When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
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Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Is this you?
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.