they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.